I'm not one of those people who kneel down and pray when the going gets rough.
I prefer to work my way thorough my problems and face whatever comes.
I'm scared right now.
School is basically over and it's here now you have to be an adult time and everything is hitting at once.
Mom's surgery, the sibling's surgery, my depression and anxiety and money problems.
It's all swirling and I can't make heads or tails of it.
I'm trying to find a job but it feels like nothing is going to work or what I'm doing isn't good enough.
I don't want to lose another house.
I couldn't handle that...Well I could, but that would really suck.
What can I do.
I'm not desperate enough to start whoring myself, but I'm pretty darn close.
My mom has surgery Thursday and the anxiety is crawling into my chest...
I'm so not ready for this.. I wanna just uhh bury my head or something...
plus i keep wavering on the what I wanna do when I grow up.
Massage therapist and or artist came back to rear their ugly heads on my short list.
I'm not too worried I'lltake whatever I can get.
oh yeah happy 4th o' July
We've known each other a long time.
We've had ups and downs, but I think it's time I told you the truth.
It's over between us.
I don't want to stand there at the end of the day empty because I poured my soul out to you. I don't want to be the one hurt and lonely because there's so much more for you. We're done, finished ,over. I'll come visit and still be friends, but that is it.
Michigan Renaissance Festival. We're over.
There are more important things than you in my life now.
Ps I love you my girl!
Not really eating again.
It's not totally my fault.
It just ah... I'm having trouble bearing my life.
I'm trying so hard it seems and then I feel those little irrational moments of it's not good enough coming back at me.
That money I had earned and managed to save. almost all gone. I'm not surprised. Just anxious and a little sad.
Saw my great aunt yesterday and all she could say was "Make sure you let us know when you graduate." Grandma just keep repeating that she needed pictures from us, cause graduation pictures are important.
Does no one know? Do they not get it? I don't want to remember this stretch in my life. The one where I fall apart and hurt and want to die and where I make friends but can't bear to be around anyone at all without having an anxiety attack and wanting to run.
I hate feeling like this. I hate hiding all the things wrong with me because we can't afford it. I don't like feeling empty and useless and hiding who and what I am.
I can'r say I won't be accepted. I'm just afraid that if I am, one slip and it's all over and for naught. My own father dropped out of my life and my mother says she'd have killed herself if I wasn't here. Who's really gonna stay in my life after that?
I don't know why I even write this. The few who will see it are only witnesses to my departure from coherency. I don't think this can be fixed and even if it could, I don't know if what will follow is worse or not.
FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I had the most awesome cathartic message written and then it died.
Thing is I'm not feeling all that anger or frustration anymore so there's no point is just copying down what I feel.
Long story short.
All you fuckers who were in my life and aren't there to make me a better person or teach or anything else, we're done.
I'm cutting away what and who I don't need. I'm not going to let the anxiety and depression get worse.
Who was there when I cut myself or drank so much. Who talked down my crying fits or fears and told me I wasn't the piece of shit I'd been treated like for 20+ years.
It wasn't any of you... They know who they are and they know I appreciate and love them for everything they've done.
To the others, though most of you will never see this or hear it from my lips.
I don't need the promises or bragging or useless suggestions or preaching.
You're not me and while I appreciate the intent, you're not going to change my mind.
I know who I am and that the little cracked pieces are still holding me together so I don't need you to fix me.
I am better without you and your influence. I'm done being the doormat and the kind, gentle kid. I am a my own person and she's saying "Fuck you." too.
So the faire in Angola wasn't what I was hoping it would be.
just sorta here..
Does anyone have an invite, Muzai and I are getting the heck off ff.net.